Noah Gives Post-Flood Press Conference

(Photo Credit: IMDb)

2,140 BC. A historic event occurred this week as world-renowned boat architect and father-of-all-living Noah finally gave an interview in late afternoon on Tuesday. Noah and his family of five have long been criticized by the media for not giving such an interview in the immediate aftermath of the alleged "Worldwide Flood." For decades, Noah's family insisted that in the immediate post-flood world, there was no one to interview them as the entire population of earth had drowned. But after nearly two centuries of critics calling this a "cop-out of an excuse," it appears Noah's family decided they needed to break their silence.

The press conference occurred a mere ten miles from the foot of Mt. Ararat, where the ark allegedly landed. The questions were wide-ranging, reflecting the diversity of discourse about the flood that has followed the controversial family for almost 200 years. The transcript of the interview is below:

MODERATOR: Thank you all for being here. Noah and his family would like to keep all questions flood-related, please and thank you. We'll start with you, up front.

QUESTION: Thank you. Elishah, The Eastern Herald. It's been over a century and a half since the Flood. You've had a lot of time to reflect on how things played out. How would you say your family performed down the stretch? 

NOAH: Yeah. Well, I mean, we're all here, so... [we] performed pretty well. I'm really proud of the team. Proud of the way they performed, especially in the beginning with those first forty days and then persevering through the end. We just believed in each other and trusted God would remember us. It was especially helpful to remind ourselves that God would not tell us to build a boat if He was just going to let us drown. So, we had to do our jobs and trust that God would do the rest. The team really came through. All glory to God.

QUESTION: What would you say was the most challenging part of surviving the Flood?

NOAH: Thank you for the question. Probably the third quarter. Those three months near the peak of the floodwaters... it really felt like the Flood would never end. It took lots of perseverance. But the team worked hard and pulled through. When we could tell the floodwaters were starting to fall, we knew it wouldn't last forever. That gave us hope. We were all glad God promised He would never do that again.

MODERATOR: Over on the left.

QUESTION: Where is the ark now?

NOAH: Oh. We stripped it down for wood to build a shelter.

QUESTION: So, nothing of the ark is left?

NOAH: People will probably be finding the ark for the next five thousand years. But none of them will be legit. Why would we just leave the ark on the mountain? It's the best source of wood we had at the time. We needed to use it.

QUESTION: Over here, please. 

MODERATOR: Go ahead.

QUESTION: Dedan, Canaanite Times. Given that the events of a worldwide flood seem to be far-fetched, do you think it is fair for people to question the validity of your story regarding the Flood?

NOAH: Um. No.

QUESTION: So you deny that the flood story is a little hard to believe?

NOAH: Careful, son. I'm still your grandfather. Everyone in this room is my direct descendent. [That's] four generations, and nearly centuries and counting, and I've lived long enough to tell my story firsthand to all of them. And your kids and grandkids will all hear about it secondhand. I'd say the flood story is going to last a while. It's a perfectly believable story. If you can't trust a first-hand account just because it's "far-fetched," then you just won't believe the truth. Look around, kid. The truth IS far-fetched.

QUESTION: So, where is the proof the Flood happened?

NOAH: No such thing as real proof. But you can start with the floods, earthquakes, and volcanic eruptions that keep happening even today. All part of the process of recovering after the Flood. You also have the continents spreading apart, geological events happening suddenly all over the world, and the fact that every culture today keeps writing weird fanfic about it.

QUESTION: Why haven't you written an account of the Flood yourself, to make sure the true story is preserved?

NOAH: We have it on good authority God will take care of that. As for now, if you can't accept the word of your own ancestors, then I don't know what to tell you. Who are you going to believe, the conspiracies and rumors of a few nutjob Canaanites, or your great grandparents who lived long enough to tell you their firsthand account of the past? I told you this story personally when you were six years old. (Laughter)

QUESTION: Can you respond to rumors that the Flood was a myth manufactured intentionally by a few influential Jews?

NOAH: That's absurd. It also smells like a slippery slope. At this rate, everything will be blamed on the Jews within a few centuries.

MODERATOR: Alright, everyone, can we get a new line of questioning please? Let's stay respectful and honor Noah's time.

QUESTION: Jim Acosta, Mesopotamian News Network. Question for Mrs. Noah. What is your name?

NOAH: We haven't disclosed that information. We wish her name to remain anonymous.

MODERATOR: Go ahead, Jim. You can ask a couple more.

QUESTION: Question for Ham. Can you respond to "Canaangate"? Is it true your father cursed your descendants because you saw him naked?

HAM: I'm just here so I don't get fined.

QUESTION: Is it true your descendants will be in servitude to Shem's?

HAM: I'm just here so I don't get fined.

SHEM: I think it's true.

HAM: Shut up, bro.

NOAH: Please, this is an interview about the Flood. We won't be answering questions about family business. 

MODERATOR: Please keep questions strictly about the flood.

QUESTION: One more question?

MODERATOR: (Sigh) Go ahead, Jim.

QUESTION: Did you take termites on the Ark? And if so, how come they did not cause wood damage?

JAPHETH: That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

NOAH: We only took animals with the breath of life. Insects survived the Flood just fine.

QUESTION: But the story goes the Flood destroyed "All life."

NOAH: Well, it did in a sense that all of the world was covered in water, and all land-dwelling animals with the breath of life drowned. But insects survived in trees and plant matter, probably as eggs and larvae. That doesn't make it false that "all flesh" died. Do insects even have flesh? Not really.

JAPHETH: That was a dumb question. Do better.

MODERATOR: Let's move on. Over there. Go ahead.

QUESTION: Lots of animals seem to be dying off in the current environmental landscape. Why did God save them just to let them die?

NOAH: I guess to answer that question... the ark gave all kinds of land-dwelling animals a chance to live in the post-flood world. That doesn't guarantee the kind will live forever, though. I think God still wants us to care for them and help animals continue to thrive. Any extinction event is still possible and is the fault of human sin. We would do best to remember that.

JAPHETH: We do have a fund to save the triceratops. Please pitch in.

NOAH: Yes, please give. I think it's our job to help these animals survive. Their struggle is a result of human sin. Which makes it part of our dominion to steward them.

QUESTION: Did you have to take the mosquitos on board? It sure would have been nice if you left them. (Laughter).

JAPHETH: We've been over this. No insects were on the ark. 

QUESTION: How did you feed the lions? Don't they need, like, a whole cow every day or something?

NOAH: No, there wasn't a lion on the Ark. It was just a type of cat. And it hardly needed to eat anything. It just slept most of the time. In fact, all the animals weren't very active on the ark. They didn't need nearly as much food to sustain them as they do in the wild, obviously. 

QUESTION: How challenging was it to take care of all the animals?

NOAH: They kept us busy, no doubt. But they seemed pretty content to just lie around. It was really amazing to get to see so many creatures up close. Maybe one day we can keep animals in enclosures for fun, just so people can have a chance to see them like we did. I don't think that would be too "far-fetched". And children would love it.

QUESTION: Where exactly did all the floodwaters go?

SHEM: Man, if I had a shekel for every time someone asked me that.

NOAH: The water is still here. It's just distributed differently. In fact, that's a question for the flood deniers. They have to explain how we have seashells on mountain tops without water covering the earth. If the water level used to be that high, how did the water level drop?

QUESTION: There are seashells on mountaintops?

NOAH: Yeah, there must be. The mountains were covered so...

QUESTION: But no one besides you eight SAW the waters cover the mountains, so...

NOAH: You all really like stirring up useless controversy, don't you?

MODERATOR: Let's move to someone else.

QUESTION: Did the cicadas keep you up at night?

JAPHETH: I'm telling you man, if you bring up insects one more stinking time...

JAPHETH'S WIFE: Ask me something.

QUESTION: Over here, Mrs. Japheth. I have a question. What went into the decision to release a raven?

JAPHETH'S WIFE: Well, we couldn't exactly send a horse, could we? (Laughter)

QUESTION: What was it like when the dove came back with an olive branch?

JAPHETH'S WIFE: Oh, it was wonderful. It was such a pretty bird, and when we saw the olive branch, we knew it was almost over. We cheered and kissed. It was beautiful.

JAPHETH: We don't have to talk about that.

QUESTION: What was living on the ark like for the women?

JAPHETH'S WIFE: It was the same as it was for the men. 

JAPHETH: That is false.

JAPHETH'S WIFE: We worked a lot. We were always busy with something. Every day was a new task. It took lots of planning and organizing. I could go on, if you want...

QUESTION: Noah, you once said the rainbow was a sign that God would never flood the earth again. Could you speak to the symbolic, rather than literal, significance of the rainbow?

NOAH: Um, you just answered your own question. The rainbow is a symbol of God's covenant with us; a reminder of His promise to never flood the earth again. 

QUESTION: Okay, but what do you say to people who think-

NOAH: I think people try to read too much into this story. Symbols are symbolic of spiritual or nonphysical things, but they also exist in real life. Imagine saying the expulsion of Adam and Eve from the garden never happened just because it also symbolizes our spiritual separation from God (laughter). Don't try to make things more than what they are.

QUESTION: Over here, Noah. Dedan, Canaanite Times-

JAPHETH: I remember. You don't have to keep reminding us. You're fake news anyway.

QUESTION: I just bring the truth to the people.

JAPHETH (to SHEM): How much do you want to bet this is going to be a dumb question?

QUESTION: Question for Noah. Do you support God's decision to kill all humans outside of you and your family? It seems really mean.

JAPHETH: Did he just say "seems really mean"? Where do you they find these guys?

HAM: He's your nephew, bro. Relax.

QUESTION: It's a serious question. Is God a mass-murderer?

NOAH: Actually, if you saw how those people lived, you would find it harder to justify keeping them around.

QUESTION: Are you saying the mass killings were justified?

NOAH: I'm saying God saved humanity. If you had seen the world in those days, you would have wanted to give up on humanity and exterminate all of them. But God didn't do that. 

QUESTION: But-

NOAH: He saved our family and gave the human race a chance to start anew. And now my grandsons (like you) get to look back on history and judge it based on a better moral foundation. All because God saved a remnant of humanity that wasn't wicked and rebellious. 

QUESTION: So, you're saying-

NOAH: I'm saying that's a pretty great thing God did. Questioning God's judgement for saving humanity seems like a pretty foolish thing to do if you ask me. Especially if you are a human yourself. Sure, he judged evildoers for their sins, and that meant destroying most of the human race. But the more important thing is that He always establishes His covenant with His people. He could have completely decimated everyone. But He didn't. He saved a remnant and established His covenant anew. Wouldn't you say that sounds more like a story of hope than a story of death?

QUESTION: I suppose so-

NOAH: And another thing. You all better remember this story, because if any of your modern tribes or nations forgets about this, you'll go back to having orgies and burning your babies as sacrifices and committing other heinous acts against your fellow man. And God will have to come up with a different way to wipe you out.

QUESTION: I'll remember that.

NOAH: No, you won't. 

MODERATOR: All right, let's move on. Next...

QUESTION: Question for anyone. Did you bring caterpillars or butterflies on the ark? And if you brought caterpillars, did they undergo metamorphosis during the trip?

JAPHETH: You're just messing with me at this point, right?

MODERATOR: Gentleman in the front. Please no more questions about things that have already been addressed.

QUESTION: Eber, The Arphaxian Epoch. Ham, it seems like your descendants are settling in the region of Gaza. Some predict that region will be at war for a long time. How can we trust that the Canaanites can rule that region peacefully?

HAM: Uhhh... well--

QUESTION: Would you say your lineage is going to be at war forever? As if it was... cursed or something?

HAM: Whaaat?! Bro, what are you talkin' bout, man? Bro, I'm out. (Mutters inaudibly).

MODERATOR: Can we please ask questions about the Flood? And keep them reasonable. (Ham leaves)

QUESTION: I'll ask something else. Is it true that there were giants before the Flood?

NOAH: Yes, that is true.

QUESTION: Where did they come from?

NOAH: I think angels mated with humans and produced them.

QUESTION: Can you elaborate?

NOAH: Nope. I'm pretty sure that's all you need to know.

QUESTION: That's not very satisfying.

MODERATOR: No more questions about the giants, please. The gentleman in the back--

QUESTION: Any particular reason you waited so long to have a press conference?

NOAH: Probably because I knew it was going to turn out like this.

QUESTION: Some say you were gifted immortality by the gods. Is this true?

NOAH: That is a good question, actually, thank you. No, I do not have immortality. There is only one God, and He did not give me immortality. That is fanfiction.

MODERATOR: Any more questions?

QUESTION: Deda-

NOAH: Not you.

QUESTION: Please, the people must know-

NOAH: NOT YOU. Quiet.

QUESTION: Sir--

NOAH: Quiet. Not you.

MODERATOR: Any more Flood questions?

(Pause)

MODERATOR: Yes, you in the middle-left. Last question.

QUESTION: Thanks. Question for Noah. Did you take a beehive on the ark, and if so, how was it maintained by only two bees?

JAPHETH: Unbelievable.

NOAH: This press conference is over.

Wow! There were some real zingers in there. Not much information was gleaned, however. It's now time for podcasts and media outlets to get to work stirring the pot. Was Ham's response to questioning an admission of guilt? Were men and women treated equally on the voyage? Could Noah really fit all those insects on the ark? Let the discussions begin.

We may not have learned much in this interview, but tune in next week! We have an exclusive press conference on the progress of the Tower of Babel, and we are sure to get some clear, comprehensible answers from that.