Boston vs. NYC: Battle for the Northeast

By Someone From Massachusetts

Boston and New York City. Nationally renowned cities. Bitter sports rivals. 

United only in their hatred of Philadelphia. 

I've been to Boston many times, but this past December I had a chance to visit downtown New York City for the first time. So, I thought this was the perfect time to pit each city against each other and see which one comes out on top. Remember, this is not just a website about science or faith, it's also about the Northeast.

Each category was objectively selected. These are metrics everyone uses when judging whether a city is worth revisiting. Let's take a completely objective, unbiased look at the scientific data.

Category 1: The Accents

This is easily the most important category. NY accents sound like everyone wants to beat you up. Boston sounds that way too, but more like your brother wants to beat you up sometimes even though you know it's out of love. NY people actually want to beat you up.

The winner of this one really comes down to how much you think the "R" sound is important. Turns out, we can discard it entirely and still communicate just fine.

Advantage: Boston

Category 2: The Parks (Central Park vs. Boston Common)

This one is closer. Even though Central Park is bigger, prettier, and more iconic, it also smells like pot. And the Boston Commons has thousands of bodies buried under it, including the guy who designed the Washington portrait used on the $1 bill. Look it up.

Advantage: Boston

Category 3: The squirrels

An underrated metric in determining what your city is made of is: What are the squirrels up to?

City squirrels are always evolving in one of two directions. And it falls back on what kind of people live in your city. New York City squirrels are pretty bold and will walk right up to you. But this is because they were conditioned to do this. I challenge you to go through Central Park without finding someone who is feeding the squirrels. Their squirrels are weak and domesticated.

Boston squirrels, however, are a different story. They don't walk up to you and beg for food. They will mug you and take your food by force. I saw it happen once. It's not pretty.

Driven by years of heartless Bostonians refusing to feed them, Boston rodents are built different. They don't walk up to you; they let you walk up to them... and then it's you who walks away scared.

Advantage: Boston

Category 4: The history

Pop quiz: which major American city had a massacre, a legendary nighttime horse ride, and a tea party?

Another pop quiz: which major American city hosted a pro-Nazi rally in 1939 at their most famous arena?

Advantage: Boston

Category 5: Movies

NYC seems to run away with this one, with iconic movies like Home Alone 2, Elf, and Taxi Driver. But better than all of those movies is Good Will Hunting.

I like quality over quantity, don't you?

Advantage: Boston

Category 6: The museums

Alright, New York. The MET is pretty cool. I'll give you this one. 

But you owe me.

Advantage: NYC

Category 7: Pizza

Remember that "quality over quantity" thing we both agreed on? Just because New York has a lot of pizza doesn't make New York pizza great. Let's face it, NYC pizza is just pizza. Then again, Boston pizza isn't great either.

Advantage: New Haven, CT

Category 8: Superheroes

I know what you are thinking. No way he gives this one to Boston. All the cool superheroes are from NYC. Now, discounting Gotham city and Metropolis (which do not count as NYC), it's basically down to Spider-man and Captain America for NYC (and Daredevil and Fantastic Four and Dr. Strange). Boston does have real-life superhero Mark Walberg.

Spider-man is pretty cool, I'll give you that. But hear me out. Captain America is played by Chris Evans. And do you know where Chris Evans is from? You guessed it!

Advantage: Boston

Category 9: Sports Teams

HAHAHA!

Advantage: Boston

I'll change my mind when the Knicks pass 18 championships, the Jets win 6 super bowls (or even make the playoffs?), and the Yankees win a world series without spending half the money on the western hemisphere.

Category 10: The driving

Want to hear a joke? Connecticut drivers. They drive like they don't care whether or not they get to where they are going. Boston and NY drivers, on the other hand, drive like they don't care if YOU get to where you are going.

Advantage: DRAW. Let's settle this on the road.

Category 11: Mayor

Let's be honest, both mayors are pretty bad. But one of them makes people ride bikes and the other isn't that bothered by terrorism. They should elect their squirrels instead.

Advantage: Boston

Well, there it is. Boston and NYC clashed, and I think it's pretty clear who won. Come back next week and maybe there will be an article about science.